Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Special Edition–My relationship is dead...
For the past few months we have been receiving communication from readers like you either through this blog, our Facebook page or email. I have even received feedback through text messages on my phone. Some of the messages we receive are to comment on the pieces published or suggestions for an entry, yet many are to ask questions or to consult an issue. In many instances, readers will ask for the answer to be published. Last night I received a call. It's urgent, the caller said. Please publish a special edition of The Soulcerer's Apprentice, he went on, I am not the only one who is in this situation. This man is hurting. He asked me, How do I realize that my relationship is not going anywhere?
You already know, I told him. Then there was silence.
He wanted to know how does anyone in his situation finally get it that they are in a dead-end relationship. He already knows that. What he was really asking, what he really wants to know is what to do next, how to get out of it, how to stop the bleeding and can he have some certainty of the future.
He went on to explain all the reasons why his relationship is not working. Behind all the complaints about his wife, I heard a deep sadness and disappointment. I listened and then I finally stopped him. Do not try to decipher her. We are all such complex human beings. Determine what you want, what you need and if you really love her. Then you talk it over. She is either willing and capable to meet your needs or not. The issue is that once he admits what he knows, he has to take action and that is frightening. If he stays, there's work to do. If he leaves there's an uncertain future.
First off, I am only hearing one side. Second, I don't assign blame, ever. Yet, there are times when we have to look at the truth of our relationship and see that it is holding us back, that the other person is hurting too and that, in their pain, they invalidate us. People can only love us according to their level of awareness, in the shadow of their fears and in light of their experiences. They do the best they can. We acknowledge this without condemning them. More importantly, there are no innocents in any relationship. We all contribute to their success and failure.
What do I do now?, he said. I will not tell him what to do. He knows what to do. The important thing is not to act out of fear. To remember that his wife is hurting as well. My new friend has been married for nine years. This is a long time to share with someone and let go. He is afraid. He is in pain. He still wants out. There are many factors that come into play in this relationship and the break-up I feel is coming. I answered his questions promising him that I would publish this today. There will be follow up pieces that I believe address some of the other issues he is struggling with. In the meantime I reminded him that we attract into our lives people who are a reflection of who we are. That there are lessons for him here. There is a purpose.
Today is a good day to lift our hearts and send light and love to those who are struggling in their relationship...that clarity, harmony and love rule over pain and fear. If you are in such a relationship, know that you are loved and protected.