Sunday, May 5, 2013

It's over. Now let go...

This one goes out to a reader who reached out to us in sadness. Her relationship is now over, officially. The break-up was ceremonial because the relationship had been dead for a while. Yet now, she is heartbroken.

I feel her pain as she tells me her story. The reasons behind the breaking of her relationship are no longer important, I tell her. Both she and her ex are clear that there will be no reconciliation. The only thing to do now is to move on. But first, she must decide that she wants to. This sounds obvious, but many people do not want to let go. Before healing a broken heart, you must decide that you want to get over it–the relationship, the breakup, the pain.

Once you decide that you want to heal, take a few steps to help yourself. Vent, but do not talk about what happened over and over again. Reflect on the lessons to learn from the experience, but do not mull over the relationship or its ending. Release any regrets you may have. Then forgive your ex and yourself. Forgiveness is key. Take time to reconnect and rediscover who you are. End all contact with your ex and create new habits to replace the routines you created together.

It is also important to feel it–feel, cry and grieve the end. Go through the shock, the denial, the pain, the guilt and the anger. Feel your feelings. All feelings are valid. Just don't dwell on them. If you feel you are depressed, then seek professional help. When you feel your feelings through, there is a shift from denial to acceptance as you refocus from the past, to the present and hope for the future.

Many of us get attached to the identity we have forged as part of a couple. This is the ego's mindset. When you break up, you do not lose your identity. You remain the same beautiful spirit housed within your body. Do not allow your ego to dominate your thoughts. Remember who you are.

Be patient with yourself as you go through this process. This is not easy. Yet I urge you to trust the process and its timing. If you hurry it, you will not heal. If you take too long, the healing becomes more difficult and takes longer. During the process you will stumble along the way. It's ok. Steady your footing when this happens and continue the journey towards healing.

Focus on the facts and not your feelings. Do not romanticize your ex or the relationship. When the pain surfaces, breathe through it and remember that it will pass. Focus on this moment, on your breath and the nurturing and healing the Universe provides you.

Today is a good day to accept that it's over. Let go and allow the healing to begin...

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