Sunday, January 13, 2013

Tax season

I have started to receive end-of-the-year tax statements from the bank and the mortgage company. As I see the mailman coming, I start to get a little anxious. I know it's normal. Most people get anxiety when it's time to work on their taxes. Yet the anxiety I get is not from the money I may owe or the money that may be owed to me. My anxiety this tax season comes from facing my reality, having to face my past.

My life has changed so much this past year. I would rather stay in this moment, in the present. Having to go back makes me feel old pain. As I tally receipts, the dates on them flashback memories...some are good, some are lessons, some are forgotten already, but all of them bring me back and bring me down. I make the most of it. I try to do it positively. I want to move on. I realize that to move on, I have to face this.

As a writer, I rewrite stories all the time. On my own story, though, I face writer's block. It comes from the same anxiety preparing my tax return gives me...of having to revisit my past. Right now I am happy, healthy, relaxed, hopeful, thankful, faithful and joyful and I want to stay in this flow of energy.

I am taking time to rewrite last year. To identify the heroes in my story and rescue the villains...yes, rescue the villains from their egos...and rescue myself from my own ego. I will see the adventures and cringe over my bad choices from a detached point of view. In my story, I survive. In this story, there are five seasons–winter, spring, summer, fall and tax season. This tax season I will shed the bad memories, I will grow in strength and I will plant the experiences of this year to be a source of joy next tax season.

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